The first time I ever heard things that others didn't was when I was in bed and texting my friend. It started with whispers. It has got to be the most scary thing I can remember. I remember thinking something was in my room. After a week or two went by it slowly turned into my name and then to words that I could understand that correlated to the world around me. Then I started expieriencing what the medical field would call a psychotic break. I began to pin point a certain voice to my radio and he was actually a very nice voice. He was kind to me unlike the others and explained where he came from and why this was happening to me. He said that there were five worlds: Black, yellow, blue, and white. The black world is a world of mentals, chemicals, and natural resources, and ash, ect. and after your life was over in the black world and you had grown enough you are reincarnated into the yellow world as a plant of sorts. After your life has expired in the yellow world you then go onto the blue world where you live as animal. And it turns out that he and I were octopi and that we had met the other in the blue world and that is why he was talking to me. He and I died but he died before I did and went to the white world. The white world is when you become a part of the universe whether it be a stars or moons and the very divine beings become planets. And there is an unusual thing that stands out in difference from the blue world to the other world being that after one life as an animal you get another life as a master spieces (A.K.A. humans, bactieria, ect.). I honestly sounds like a videogame plot and I am a bit ashamed for having this illness due to the internalized stigma this illness has along with it externally but I am working on disposing of that and to build better confidence. Again, I do not fully believe in any of this, it is just something I went through. But the voice that was telling me all of this is a kind one and I kind of wish to keep it because he helps with the rest of the bad ones, I guess we'll see where this goes. --Cicada
Now after my hopitalizations I realize that Im actually extremely lucking to have gone through that episode because had it not come I would have probably committed the big S. I now know that it was caused by extreme stress and for a bit doctors thought I had adolescent prodromal syndrome but after neuro-psych testing they ruled that and a psychotic disorder out and concluded that it was due to extreme anxiety and stress with good old autism, untreated clinical depression, and some personality defects and some definite disorder/s (they still havent gotten back to me on which disorder/s specifically but the lady said she was
leaning towards BPD so if that means anything). So yeah, I guess Im fucked. Because the stress was I was doing bad at school, quarentine just started and my good friend/bf of two years decided I was manipulative and was abandoning me for a second time but really Im just an autistic female so I usually spend my time durring interactions analyzing and preforming in order to fit in and mask but a part of my personality defects is that I have a huge fear of abandonment. I also just couldnt believe that my closest friend (and longest sustaining relationship) didnt know me well enough or even care enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. I was trying to hold everything together in the relationship with the only contact being through online messaging and you can only imagine how well people with autism are online. So...yeah, it was a shit situation and also my mother was being her usual cheerful self and decided that what was best for me was to yell at me thrice a day about not smiling enouh and only getting Cs and Bs durring the collapse of humanity, so I guess it makes sense for me to hallucinate a friendly cosmic being that chased away evil shit and protected me.