Just found out Im going home either tomorrow or Monday. Its not fair, I should be dead or in long term or staying here or at my grandparents place or a group home or I should have left already. Anywhere but there. I cant believe my time is already up. I dont want to watch myself lose it again. Its just contiuing the same cycle. I dont want to be institutionalized again, it doesnt do shit. But this time at least Ill be actively working towards my plan instead of just fantasizing. I just wish I could work towards it without having to be hit and tackled and screamed at and manispulated. IM NOT AN EFFIGYYYY. When are they going to learn that Im not the problem. CBT and DBT and exposure therapy and talk therapy and group therapy and medications and meditation and journalling and grounding tehniques and breathing excersises arent going to work, hell I have to light myself up to feel a fucking smidge of relief do they really think that shit is going to work. Anyways, one day they will get it through their heads that its not me its the environment. Its the people who cant not fucking slap me around every fucking time they see me because they cant find a better relief. hhhmm maybe there's a fucking reason why the only time Im okay is when Im away from them. And for years Ive given the doctors and psycologists and therapists etc. the benefit of the doubt. I fucking tried and I wanted to change with every bit of me but I was always so fucking stuck because of them. And they think this is the answer. Im not going back to an institution, Im not going to off myself, or anything....Im going to find a permenant solution and its going to work. Im just tired of being patient so I guess thats why Im whining. Itll be worth it though. Ill be happy and with the most amazing person and Ill make a life for myself. Ill be more than an expieriment or hospital dweller or a lab rat or a burnout or just another mentally ill lost cause. I know itll be hard but itll be worth it, anything would be worth it; I would die to be with them if that was a way to get there. But alas that is not the case and I will get there by any means necessary. Okay, Im done with my ramblings I just cant wait to be happy.
My mother has my pd and neuro-psych test results and wont let me see them. Im so fucking sick of her bullshit. And I know that its only because I told her that the reason why I try to avoid telling her anything about myself is because I feel like then I give someone partial ownership of my ideas, identity, memories, etc. (basically what makes up my
self) and so she gets this shit in the mail and I ask if I can read it and she fucking tells me no because
its not good for you to know whats wrong with you because then youll feel like youre the problem while simultaneously trying to guilt trip me for being institutionalized three times and
wasting away our vacation money, and for ruining her experience as a parent, and traumatizing my sisters (while undermining my trauma which literally 88% of people who went through what I did twice get ptsd), and just in general being mentally ill and troubled. Pick a fucking side woman. And it doesnt help that the lady who verbally told me the results after *skimming* them was so fucking vague like what the fuck is
you definitely have some personality defects and most likely at least one disorder, if you do Im leaning towards BPD How about I can read a fucking chart or graph let me see the results I know what the fuck this is just let me know jesus christ its like theyre trying to play keep away with my own illness. I dont want to go back Ill just end up back at square one again. Im just going to disappoint my aunt and my grandma is going to be to let down to even care about me anymore. The only step in the righ tdirection is me maybe getting a job if my mother doesnt pull anything.
So Ive been thinking and I reread my last passage and I found something I now disagree with. Which is the whole "i dont have a personality" thing. I guess I wrote something inferring that because my mother has been drilling it in my head that I dont even have a personality and that its entirely diagnosed which I disagree with. My views on the self probably characterize a lot on this so I should start there. The self in my perspective right now is a fluid abstract thing that is always changing and never constant. And Ive heard disagreements so I get the whole values and identity factor but even with that. Here are some lyrics by Willwood and the Tapeworms that describes this really well:
And if I change my self can I still stay me? Or did I just change my mind? I am a point in time and space, And I am the truths that I create, And so where my matter takes its stand. No it doesn't matter who I am meaning that it’s fluid and ever changing. And also being an adolesent Im gonna be shifting more than normal. I have me own beliefs that are still developing but I know where I stand on many specific matters. I have a very individualized perspective and behaviors and I know where I stand in social roles. It's just a few certain things that Im not consistent with like temperment it's more....disturbed?? like unnatural and odd, just not regular I guess. And Im not really striving for this its just how I always was. Hell I was fuckng punished for it; not crying at funerals, not understanding certain things like apologies, relationships, and social norms, etc. so I adapted and acted?? in a way. idk but what Im trying to say is thagt I think I have a very developed character with developed boundaries, values, ideas, perspectives, thought processes, etc. and I think if anything Im a more developed character than the average of my age group and Im thinking that might have something with being born with abnormal psychology and having an above average intellect. Im not trying to validate myself or prove someone wrong Im just going through a thought process and documentng it for future refferance.
They want me to get rid of all of my resentment. They want me to throw away my whole fucking collection. They just want me to forget about everything that she did to me?. She shaped and allowed my twisted developement I think we should give her some credit. She has no problem taking credit for my sisters why not me? AWWWW she doesnt like me hahaha so THATS the problem. Boohoo you cant pick and chose bitch Im fucking yours, you have to take responsibility. Or am I just a Bad Seed. If so then just disown me already, give me to a relative or something. Im already so succesful away from you right now. Why cant you just leave me alone, youve hated me my whole life and now you want me to be vunerable and trust you. No. Im going to use my most valued collection against you--the very same thiings you used to hurt me before are going to come back. Everything is equal right now except Im the one whos ill. Im the one with life long disorders and memories that will never ever leave me. And hurting you is just giving back so it cant come back to me!! youre to wore out and I have had so much time to relish in these collected hurts, these resentments that Ive grown like beautiful succulents are finally flowering and they clear the air I breath with. So then Ill shout,
For Auld Lang Syne Happy birthday to the succulents, Ill die your hydroponics! And you know Im a bit okay with this BPD thing, sure I feel awful a lot of the time and sure I dont have any control over my emotions; messed up identity; maladaptive attatchments, emotional reponces, and perspectives; but all I really need in life is a person that I can put my all into. As long as they allow me to love them than I think Ill be happy. I doesnt matter to me if Im a CNA for the rest of my life or live in a big house and children and family (besides that one person) arent a huge thing either. I just cant be lonely or rejected anymore, I dont know if I can keep up with the same negative reactions day after day Im just too fucking sensitive. At least I have immaculate self control and awarness, so look on the bright side: I can feel like shit but still act like a charismatic people pleaser. I can want to tear your head off and watch your vertabre separate and instead ask if youre doing alright. Im so fucking immaculate and controlled Im almost perfect. But my weak spot is so fucking obvious theres literally a name for it so there it goes I guess, I hope my FP isnt scared or dislikes me. I hope that they dont want to distance themselves from me and if they do I want them to tell me. I guess theyre a weak spot because Id do almost anything they wanted to get their love whatever form it may be. And the worst part is I have no fucking control. Maybe its the universe balancing itself out but Im not sure how I feel about this it might be driving me to be obsessive. And if I am too obsessive Ill drive them away but I havent heard their voice for years so I need something to latch onto. I need to buy things at thrift stores that remind me of them, I need to make a journal for them, I need to make presents for them knowing that I have no idea when Ill meet them next, I need to sleep in the shirt I last saw them in, otherwise where is the connection? How do I express my admiration and appreciation for them? Even if they dont know when Ill next see them Ill give them everthing Ive collected to think of them to keep myself sane in hopes that they realize that Im done living with them in my head and in distance and electronically because I know its not healthy or normal and definitely not appealing. I just really want them to know when I next see them they know that I realize that I have been semi-idealizing them for the last couple years but I will still never be disapointed with them. And know that when I end up at your door with a boquet of highway flowers I will shut the fuck up about my past and move on and focus on everything good because that will thrive in abundance once Im where I have wanted to be for so long. In short, please dont hate me, it is very clear to me how this might make you feel and how its weird but since I am aware I know that this will change and I will not semi-idealize you in my head once I can have the reasurace of seeing and being around you. I know not to be clingy and I know not to be desparate, I know to keep my pride and build my character myself. I know what I lack and what I need to build in order to have my own self and I know that flaws will be a part of it. I know that you're my FP but also my BPD is not an all-fitting label with me, for various reasons I do not fully fit the label therefore you dont fully fit the one I present to your either. Nothing is definite is what Im saying and me coming to you is a way for my to not fully develope the diagnosis and have a healthy relationship with everything. My hypothesis is that if I get away from the toxicity of where I now exist and go to a place where nothing can go wrong (which means that you cant make me resent or dislike you therefore that place is you) then I will not fully develope BPD and it might even lesson some of my other mental fuck things. So Im using the illness against itself. So there will then be a time when the label
FP is irrelevent because I will grow away from this; I will grow my own personality myself so it wont be disordered because I have time. I dont want to be like this but Im not going to face the alternative in this environment. I also need to do this because I need reasurance and I need to be there for you. I cant stand knowing that youre still in the same situation after all this time. I care about you but youre not being cared for and thats not okay with me. When I get the oppertunity Ill be on your doorstep with highway flowers in hand and then we will do stupid teenager shit like doing eachothers makeup and talk about how fucking stupid the death penalty is and how we need to start a revalution and do shrooms while listening to post-punk or industrial and Ill work on my baby witchcraft while you can flex and gloat about being able to actually make spells and GODDAMN WE NEED TO GO THRIFTING TOGETHER AFTER WE EAT THE RICH. Idk I just really miss you and I hope you dont think Im an obsessive creep because Im really just actually homesick and miss you a ton and Im just trying to cope because I also have a fear of abandonment that Im trying to keep at bay while simultaniously trying to not feel completely alone becaue I know that Im not even without you but I have no control over how I feel so aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh IM SORRY IM FUCKED UP BASICALLY AND THIS COULD POTENTIALLY BE A HUGE BURDEN TO YOU SO I JUST NEED RESURANCE AND THE BENIHFIT OF THE DOUBT WOULD BE REALLY NICE TOO AND IM NOT DOUBTING YOU IM JUST VERY SCARED AND THIS IS A VERY COMPLEX AND DELICATE THING BUT JUST DONT LIE EVEN IF THAT MEANS YOURE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME REASURANCE IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY If this doesnt make sense please tell me just tell me anything I need to know what you think I cant stand this distance anymore but Ive surpassed the time where I was too scared to talk now Im too scared to not know whats happening. I care about you, Im sorry Im like this, this is my attempt to make myself not like this and I am putting my all in so everything works out on both sides. I just dont want you umcomfortable with this, Im sorry.
Last night my grandma and aunt and I had a long argumentative coversation. My Aunt started the whole
Your mom didnt try to traumatize and fuck your head up this badly, only enough for you to be like your sisters subject and my grandma wouldnt skip a beat to defend her daughter but they cant really morally argue with
Every reaction out of her is antagonistic and belittling and she only pretends to not hate me for her own short-term gains and then hates me even more afterwards because she has a control problem and she literally watched me lose my mind in fear and confusion. Shes watched me cut and burn and starve myself and try to kill myself over and over for years and hasnt done shit except punish me for that, it was only when I went to the hospital that she ever started crying in front of doctors and family. She puts on a fucking act just so she feel a little bit better about pushing me this far into a gutter. She hates me because I cant adapt to her will Im not sure if I have the ability anymore but if I did then I still wouldnt. I cant be my sisters and Im fucking glad. Why would I want to be a rotten little girl whos only true charater traits are boot licking and mimicry. Why would I want to be an ignorant selfish bibmo thats too horny for validation and distraction to decide what to do with their life. They're both selfish just so fucking selfish. For gods sake what does it take for them to wake the fuck up and realize that their behaviors have caused signifigant damage to me. They had no problem making me feel other my whole life but I cant separate myself from their exclusive happy family. Father pretends or thinks nothings wrong. Mother hasnt changed at all except she wants more validation and justification and innocence. Shyla is too selfish to make out that Im the one that fucking went through this and shes just an insignifagant bystander that had only ever contributed to this. And Elena cant stand not being the center of attention even though I cant stand being on the spot: going to all the appointments, making me listen to people tell me over and over again about how
she didnt realize what she was doing
she didnt mean it, shes just a bad communicator
She thought you deserved it
You should be feeling more bad for her, you caused this
Its not her fault you turned out this way
she didnt mean for you to turn out like this THEYRE ACTING LIKE IT WAS JUST A FEW SCOLDINGS LIKE SHE HADNT BEEN MANIPUATING AND DEGRADING ME FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE LIKE ShE HADNT HIT ME AND TACKLE ME AND YELL AT ME EVERY TIME I HAD THE WRONG FACIAL EXPRESSION, NOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF EYE CONTACT, NOT THE RIGHT TONE, TALKING TO MUCH, NOT ENOUGH FRIENDS, NOT THE RIGHT POSTURE I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY IF IT HADNT BEEN FOR YOU I COULDVE BEEN OKAY I COULDVE BEEN HAPPY I COULD BE COMFORTABLE I DIDNT HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR I DIDNT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AND IT WASNT MY FAULT IM ILL ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT SHE HATED ME and I finally figured that out at the hospitals I finally learned that I didnt deserve it. In my intake at the first one a lady asked me if I had been emotionally abused and I asked her to clarify and my fucking answer was "yeah, but only when I deserved it." WHAT THE FUCK WHY WAS I SO FuCKIG BLIND SHE NEVER DID THAT SHIT TO MY SISTERS SHE NEVER LAID A FUCKING HAND ON LET ALONE CRITISIZE. Im just so fucking tired. I dont want to go back again, I almost feel clean, I dont want to be tarnished again I just got okay.
This morning I gave myself bangs but it you sweep my hair back (shoulder length) it looks like a mullet. We love impulsivity. But not gonna lie it actually looks okay. I only look more punkrock and gay lol. Anyways, Im pretty and I just needed everyone to know it :)
The more I am evaluated and analyzed and tested by psychologist, psychatrists, pediatritions, etc. the more I realize that my charater was completely developed on my own as well as my intellect. But on the illness side of things it is soley the work of my parents and other people aided by my autism. ALSO when I came back from my neuro-psych testing they said that I didnt have a psychotic disorder but Borderline Personality Disorder but Im too young for just anyone to diagnose so it unoffical but they straight up sent my mother pamphlets about it and did somesort of personality screener or something (idk it was just asking questions that now that I look back on couldve been the thing for them to say that) but holy shit my mother said walking out of the clinic that if I dont do as she says that Ill end up talking to myself and homeless. Lol mother, youre trying to hard get a grip. I cant believe Im going to have to be sent home again in June WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK GAVE ME A FUCKING PERSONALITY DISORDER. And my aunt has been acting as if its a joint effort for me to transition back to home but Im not the one fucking ghosting in the middle of conversations, making me eat when Im naustious, trying to guilt trip me, trying to emotionally manipulate me ect. Im just tired of it, Im tired of them. Everything is a mind game I feel like and Ive grown in such an environment I can even understand relationships let alone emotions. Seriously, at my second hospital stay they gave us an emotion wheel and told us to dot each emotion we can identify with and my sheet was barren. But it could also be identity issues lol. I wish they would put me on meds that worked. Two of my antis stopped working months ago but I didnt want to tell them. I guess Im just paying the consequences. I miss so many people. Why do I feel so lonely all of the time. I guess its just part of my shakey identity. I hate these feelings.
I think I'm getting the hang of this school thing. My birthday is on the twenty first and I dont want to go home but I have to go on the twenieth for neuro-psych testing so my mother is going to get the chance to screw with me. Every single fucking year its the same and I grow to hate more and more. I just dont want to be home and now Im finally not but I still have to go back and see the people who fucked my head so badly just because they want to?? This is just the hieght of selfishness. They wont let me kill myself but they dont want me to be happy either. And fuck! Not to mention my mother just fucking gave me to somebody else to deal with because she was too fucking tired of my bull shit but yet you want me to believe that you love me? Im not angry I just dont see the point and my revenge is sparking up these days so they should try more at being careful rather than trying to make me miserable. For Fucks sake the last attempt I had they didnt even take me to the fucking hospital when I OD and brought me back home to fucking yell at me and make me feel like shit so guess what happens TWO ATTEMPTS IN A DAY WHOOOO and yet they still wouldnt look at me as if I were a person their bodies were so full of disgust they mustve been rotting on the inside out like the bite of a kissing beetle. why couldn't they have just
loved me? Of course its too late now I dont want their guilt tainted love. It will never be pure. I dont want anything from them. Actually.....I want them to leave me alone and forget about me. Id be happier if they disowned me so then I could either go to Leon or JJ. Im really scared to call JJ he hasnt texted me since my second hospitalization and he used to almost every week. I just hope he isnt dead. Ill have to find out.
Today is my third day at my new school (the school I've always wanted to go to) and I've already found a few interesting people. I'm really excited about them. Although it is odd that I get along better with the upper classmen or at least have more upperclassmen friends but I guess they took a liking to me. I can't believe how well everything is going, granted, I still feel like shit because I'm still depressed, anxious, etc. but at least it's less. I haven't felt this good since kindergarten. I think this will be entertaining in the least. Good day to you all.
It's been 12 days since I got out of my third hospital stay. I guess Ive become a hospital rat. They were going to sed me to a long term facility but I was quote: too unstable. But I told them that if I went back home Id attempt again eventually so they sent me to my aunts house so now I dont have to put up with my mother and father gaslighting and fucking with my head so I might acutally get better. Oh! and fun fact: I now have EIGHT diagnosis!!.....yeah I guess my head is fucked. But that also means more content to add to the site so thats a bright side. I love living here though. I feel at ease. I feel okay. I feel almost....happy. Content is the word. These people are nice to me too. Last weekend I got to see my friend from the first hospital and that was refreshing knowing she was doing okay. I mean when I say okay while talking about people I met at their lowest is not killing themselves. Life is finally okay for me though. I still miss my friend to a point of feeling sick though, I dont think that will ever go away until I get reasurance which is something very difficult to grasp in the circumstance we are in I guess. But it will be okay, I know they are strong. It's weird I guess. I feel like I am so shallow towards people who offer me so much and then I just gravitate towards only one person at a time until they leave and this time a lot of it is in my head so even if they did leave I dont know what would happen. I just need someone to love and that someone happens to live hundreds of miles away. I tried so hard to get rid of the feeling too. Allowing someone else to love me even. I dont understand how this liminence can last this long its been almost two years. I hope no one gets creeped out or offended and if they do nothing will change anyways. This is a risk for me to take saying this here. So please lets have no negative reactions. I know some of my actions thus far have been questionable and slightly contradicting what I'm saying right now but what can I say, I am complex. Part of me wishes this was painless and part of me wants myself to be tortured by these feelings so that I will lose my patience and run away already. And besides the other party would get no good out of loving something that needs fixing so badly right now. So I guess Ill get better in the mean time. I think I'm getting better already.
I just got back from yet another hospitalization and I think it may be my last. I miss everyone so much. I miss you Leon and I miss you Andrew and I just want to see you and know that youre okay and if not at least calm you. I want to go to California or Mexico to just run away from myself and shake my soul off my back like a wet dog and leave it in the ocean for the fish to mangle and injest.
Why did I have to try to kill myself for my mother to love me. How do I respond? Is it real love. I don't understand the benefits of core relationship values so how am I going to pretend I do. How do I get her to just forget about me. I didnt ask to be in her life, and she didnt ask me either. It's not fair.
I just got back home from the mental hospital and I forgot how weird it is here. At least I have Medea. Medea is a Dumerils Boa and one of my good friends since shes the only one I can talk to at my house. My sister said that she hadn’t come out since I left, I was gone for 22 days. Sometimes I think she can understand me but I dont want to be crazy so I have to push some thoughts back. I hate having to do that. I feel like I should be a loner knowing how unstable I am. I mean Im almost sure Im a paranoid schizophrenic and my doctors are too, I just need to be diagnosed even though Im already on medication anyways. Im just really tired of myself-- I mean a part of myself, I like a lot of things too. I feel like Ive been cursed or something. Ive been in a constant growing state of anxiety since I was like seven and then boom bullying and then boom boom two traumas that I managed to repress until sixth grade and now I need medication to not have nightmares/flashbacks. and then the same year brain chemicals and hormones came in and I have been getting more and more tired, sewerslidelle, h0m1sidal, and depressed since. my anxiety skipped a few levels and my paranoia went through the roof, my mother hated me even more BUT at least I had an unstable two faced friend oh and grandma got cancer. and to wrap it all up ten months ago I got the privilege to hallucinate too and Im on the verge of being diagnosed with some psychotic disorder. and my dad hates me too now because I attempted. I have gone on so many hunger strikes because of my paranoia and Im failing school because I cant do shit while hearing things. I cant see my best friend and havent for over a year and a half or my main squeeze and havent for nearly a year with the exception of enough visits to count on one hand. I feel like my life is just a cycle of paranoia, existential dread and eternal tiredness and the only thing to break the cycle are psychotic episodes. I miss my friends, I miss my sanity, I miss being able to have a clear strand of thoughts without having to try so hard to hold onto them even with medication, I took an IQ test again and its dropped dead. Im tired. My most valued thing is my brain and its been hexed with so many different things. I feel like Im not meant to live a happy light hearted life. I cant sleep naturally. I cant eat without thinking there is poison in it and preparing to die. I cant smile without remembering that I look better when Im not and being called an alien at school. And I feel like there is nothing here for me at home either besides my grandma and medea and my books. I can’t say anything directly to my sisters effectively or comfortably, my mother has just started liking me since my last attempt and my dad doesnt like me anymore because I attempted. My dearest treasure is sabotaging itself. I know Im smart and I know I have a lot to say but my thoughts are so jumbled I cant catch my words as easily anymore let alone focus on my thoughts and not the voices I hear. I have the knowledge but not the communication and that’s why Im building this site, so that I can communicate what I know effectively and in an organized manner no matter how long it takes me. I love my brain but it hates itself and I need to learn how to live with it no matter how much I resent that idea.